Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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