You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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