Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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