So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
