What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
