It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
