i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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