i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
