Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
