Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
