Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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