I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
