I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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