He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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