I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
