a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
