He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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