Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
