you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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