Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
