Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
