You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
