So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I understand Curling. That high.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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