I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
