Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She's the barista slut.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
