How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
