So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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