i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
