i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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