sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
