The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
