my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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