im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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