My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.