You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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