I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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