Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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