I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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