my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just cropdusted the office
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
