In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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