Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
