her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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