3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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