I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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