I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
