my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
