i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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