I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
