Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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