K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
