omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
