is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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