I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
