So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
