my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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