there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
