I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
