Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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